How I was raised
My mom practically trained me to be someone’s wife. On the other hand, my brother was being trained for nothing, because my mom had it in her head that all other moms were training their daughters to be like me and he was going to find a woman who took care of him the way she would.
Boy, was she wrong about this on so many levels. You can be the judge on what you think was wrong with that thinking.
How my husband was raised
His mother taught him just enough so that if I wasn’t in his life, he would be able to survive. Now I don’t know how his quality of life would be without me, but he’d survive to say the least
He was not raised with the thinking that he would find a woman who would take care of him. My mother-in-law wanted him to be able to be self-sufficient with or without a woman.
However, there are still those things that she would do for him, like schedule his doctors’ appointments and buying him new sheets, etc. You know, those typical mother things because you know your son wouldn’t do it otherwise.
Assuming the role of the wife
Being the over protective wife that I was, I couldn’t have my mother-in-law scheduling appointments and buying his underwear.
Of course, I took on those responsibilities and anything that he would normally call his mom to do, I would do it. I was taught that his mother shouldn’t have to do those things anymore if he has a wife.
A change was coming
I was busy being the wife I was groomed to be by taking on the added responsibilities of what my mother-in-law was doing for him.
My role as a wife is something I love and I would always get kudos for how good of a wife I am. I felt that if I stopped doing some of the things I thought a wife should do, then I wouldn’t be considered a good wife anymore.
I began to get overwhelmed with trying to handle all of the roles in my life that something needed to change. While I was too busy trying to be the wife I thought I was supposed to be, I wasn’t able to be the wife I was meant to be.
Before I could do that, I had to be honest with myself about whether I really wanted to do some of the things I was doing as wife, or if I was doing them because I felt like I was supposed to.
Needless to say, I stopped doing anything that I didn’t want to do. I put my happiness first and chose myself and what I wanted over anyone else’s thoughts and opinion.
When you choose to make changes in your life for the better, there will be natural resistance that you will face in life and it will show up in different forms.
In this type of situation, that resistance will show up in the behavior of your partner for a few reasons. I know for my husband he was used to how life was when I was doing everything and his effort wasn’t required as much when it came to caring for the home and doing “women’s duties”.
To him, everything was fine, so why would we change it now? It’s easy to go back and agree and just slip into old behaviors, but remember that resistance is natural.
Let your partner know the reasons why you are changing things and that you understand that it may feel random. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it will a learning process for the both of you.
Again, don’t be naïve to think that your partner will just jump on board with the new regime. If they do, you are truly blessed and you should be thankful.
However, the support SHOULD come eventually if you set clear boundaries and talk it out. Be considerate and understanding of his feelings and show him or her how this change can also benefit them.
In the event that nothing works and your partner is not co-operating with the change, then it’s up to you to make a decision. You either stay with someone who doesn’t support or approve of you growing into a better version of yourself, and forces your growth to be stunted……
……Or you believe in yourself and trust and know that the person you are meant to be with will support what brings you happiness, as long as it is healthy. Have enough courage to make the tough decisions now so you will not end up suffering in a relationship that you have outgrown.
There is no timeframe for this, so as always, listen to yourself. Ladies, you know when something isn’t right and you know when something is.
Don’t ignore those feelings.
Question of the week:
Do you feel you are supposed to be this certain type of wife or husband?