There came a point in my marriage where I became way too dependent on my husband in a way that was unhealthy, and it caused emotional problems for the both of us.
A Husband + 2
I guess during this time I didn’t understand the concept of it being “me and him against the world”, because I had other people as a support system in my life as well. He’d never had the sole responsibility of being there for me emotionally, as I had two people that were very close to me who shared that responsibility with him.
Having multiple people to rely on when things are bad or when you need help is a blessing and was something I never took for granted, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt the same when two out of three of your people are no longer there.
Then It Was Only Him
To be clear, I am not saying I didn’t have other people that I could lean on when things were bad, but you know those MAIN people that just GET YOU? I know you have them too.
Once things changed, I felt like I had lost everyone and my husband was the only one left. So I clung to him for dear life. Please note that he did a damn good job at holding me up and he NEVER left my side. He was there when it mattered the most.
However, we are all still human and there would be times when we would have an argument and in the middle of it, I would have a complete anxiety attack (at the time I didn’t know that’s what they were).
He would be so confused and couldn’t understand why I was reacting in that way, when sometimes the reason for the argument was only small.
As I started my growth journey I began to become aware of why the arguments were a source of my anxiety when they hadn’t been before. I realized I was scared of losing him too, and I was scared he was going to leave me.
Of course this was all made up in my mind, because he never uttered those words and I’m almost certain he didn’t even think about it.
There were also times when things would happen in my life and I would go to him and his reaction or responses did not fit what I had imagined or wanted them to be, so I would then think he didn’t care about what I was going through and that he didn’t understand.
In reality his responses and reactions were just fine, and at times they were way better than I could have expected, now that I am looking back on it.
My issue was that I was expecting him to make up for the two people who were no longer there, which was completely unfair to him.
Once I became aware of this unhealthy dependence and the unrealistic expectations I had for my husband, I had no choice but to change them.
I think around this time I saw the video of Will Smith talking about how he was not responsible for his wife’s happiness: she was.
I sat down with my husband and told him what I had become aware of and that it is not his responsibility or anyone else’s to make me happy: it was mine! I told him I didn’t know how I was going to figure it out, but I was going to and I just needed him to provide me with the space and support to do that.
At first he didn’t understand and to be honest, he also thought it was his responsibility to make me happy. But, he did as I asked and supported me in whatever it was I needed, whether it was quiet time, helping more with household things to relieve stress, and so much more.
When we are going through things and cannot see the reason for the storm we may be confused and upset, but once things clear up, we will know the reason for that season. I believe one of the reasons we went through this was to show not only myself, but both of us, that it really is us against the world. Because as long as the two of us are still breathing, we will have each other’s back, no matter what.
This also taught us how to hold each other accountable for our own happiness and support each other.
Can you relate to this, or am I on my own?